My oldest sister asked me not too long ago, “Why were you like that when you were a child? Dad told you that his friend had a daughter that goes to your elementary school and asked you to make friends with her, and you said “I don’t want to be friends with her cuz she’s not in the honor’s list?”” Also, my other older sister has told me when we were growing up that I had a “superiority” complex. I now know that I had made her feel that I was better than her when we were growing up. I’m also now aware that I had made some friends feel this way when I pulled away from them because I felt like I was changing and didn’t want to be in their company anymore.
What is “ego” anyway? The ego I am referring to here is not the ego as defined by the psychologist, Freud. Although being egotistical is being in my ego, the ego I am referring to here encompasses a bigger scope. When I refer to the “ego”, I mean that part of us that feels separated from others and from God. It is the definition that most spiritual people use; being in ego is not being in our highest selves. In my experience, I am most in my ego when I am in judgment of others or when I am not loving to them. When I think I am above others; I am in my ego. When I think I am below others, I am in my ego. Both create separation between me and others.
I had a big “aha” moment when I heard one of my teachers, Dr. Sue Morter said “Only the ego will get rid of the ego”. Since then, I’ve been teaching myself to have a relationship with my ego instead of trying to resist it and forcing myself to be more spiritual, more loving, and being more connected with others. Any forcing creates resistance within me instead of allowing my essence to shine through. Although I continue to be in the process of learning how to be in this relationship with my ego, I offer some processes that have worked for me.
Develop an Awareness when we are in Discernment versus Judgment
I decided to settle in Orange County when I came back to the U.S. from my travels. Because I knew less than 10 souls in the whole county when I first moved here, I was eager to make new friends and find my tribe. I also wanted to be an emanation of “Big Love” to everyone…it is something I learned from my travels. In this process, what I realized was I was not being discerning and I made friends with some who later, I didn’t feel in alignment with. Then I went to a place of judgment of them when I felt drained in their presence. When I am in judgement, I am in my ego. Because I no longer want to make friends feel bad about not wanting to spend time with them, I spent time going within so as not to try to get rid of my ego but instead allow my ego to teach me lessons I need to learn. What I discovered was it is not only when I am in judgment of others but also when I’m in judgment of myself that I am in my ego. So I asked myself “how can I be loving and gentle to myself (first) and others” in this situation? I first forgave myself for being judgmental of others. Then, I told myself that it is okay to choose my friends whom I invite to my inner circle and that I can be discerning in this process. I allowed that part of me that didn’t want to be a “healer” or “coach” or “therapist” when I am with friends. My body tells me (I feel sensations in my body), when I am being a supportive friend or I am being in the other roles. I decided to honor how I feel. It is okay when I don’t feel like spending time with people I don’t feel in resonance with. It doesn’t mean that they are bad or I am wrong or superior, I just don’t feel in resonance with them. Finally, I realized that I can love people and decide not to spend as much time with them, if at all. The awareness that I feel or the feeling that comes to me that tells me where people are in their individual journey is a source of my discernment and I can use this to decide the level of intimacy I can share with someone. This has helped me to love everyone where they are and to love myself in honoring who to invite in my inner circle.
Thus the relationship with our ego, asks us to love ourselves first and it is in this loving that we can be loving to others more.
Take Accountability for our part but don’t own other people’s issues
Most of us are hardest on ourselves. When we are hard on ourselves, we just create another level of separation….this time it is with ourselves. So it is important for us to take accountability for our “stuff” but not to absorb and own other people’s “stuff”. We all have “stuff”, “issues” we are working on. We are all evolving and we are all in different phases in our individual journey. Allowing other people to work on themselves is the most loving act because if we own their “stuff,” we are robbing them of the opportunity to grow. Some who are in the business of pleasing others, have a difficult time in deciphering their own and others’ “stuff” but I know that somewhere deep within, if we take the time to listen to ourselves, we know what is ours to work on and what belongs to others. We will be judged by others because we are all human but we are not here to please others; Love others….yes….but please others…Nope!
Develop an awareness if the “stuff” being triggered in us by another is actually a part of us that we haven’t loved yet.
In some situations, when something is triggered in us, it may be a projection of our unhealed selves or parts of us that we haven’t come to accept and love yet. Relationship with others provides us with the most amount of growth, specially our relationship with our spouses or significant other. When we have a reaction, a negative charge or have a judgment of others, it may be a mirror of the parts of us that we are judging. I think that a lot of judgmental people are most judgmental of themselves. So if I am judging another as being needy, is it possible that I haven’t loved that part of me who is needy and I judge it to be wrong? We start loving ourselves from we are…yes our imperfect human selves full of dark shadows. The more I learned to accept and embrace my shadows, the less they showed up because I have learned to shed light to those dark spaces within me.
I have also come to learn that not everything that we have a negative charge with is a projection. The more we go within and remain in stillness, the more we get to know ourselves and decipher the difference between our projections and our bodies giving us information, a source of discernment that something is simply not in resonance with us.
Practice the Ho’oponopono Prayer
I love you
Please forgive me
In saying this prayer, I’ve learned to say I love myself and I love you. I’m sorry. I forgive you and I forgive myself. Thank you for teaching me more about myself.
I invite you to share your processes in learning to build a relationship with your ego by leaving a comment here. By no means am I an expert. I am sharing this as my process may be helpful to others. Your share may be helpful to others as well.
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